What I learned this weekend: Steve Keim is Arizona's Disneyland dad

Pittsburgh Steelers v Arizona Cardinals

Welcome to another addition of WILTW, which is the shittiest acronym of all time. WHO cares, we’re all catching Coronavirus anyway, right? If you didn’t put together that WHO is the acronym for World Health Organization, stop reading this right now and turn on The Big Bang Theory or something.

Anyways, my girlfriend and I started our weekend venturing up to Flagstaff, where I attended the great Northern Arizona University once upon a time. The city hasn’t changed much, but I did notice that the rate of bird and/or tree forearm tattoos has skyrocketed. I mistakenly wore a Polo button-down shirt, which was met with the judgement of one thousand hipsters as soon as I got out of my car on San Francisco Street. I oozed cis white male aggression, and after consideration, I too am deeply offended.

I pacified the tension by quickly covering myself with an environmentally responsible Patagonia pullover, a move only a Flagstaff veteran would conjure up, and we were off to the races. I do love Flagstaff, and luckily for you the consumer, that day on the mountain provided just enough of a mental escape for me to come out of the weekend with plenty of fresh, arousing thoughts.

Let’s get to ‘em.

Steve Keim is Arizona’s Disneyland Dad – The Arizona Cardinals informed us, via their website, that the wide receivers projected to be available at the 8th spot in this year’s NFL draft will make it difficult for them to draft any other position.

So, even though no QB in the NFL was sacked more than Kyler Murray last year, the Cardinals will prioritize sizzle over stability. Sounds about right. Steve Keim is Arizona’s Disneyland dad. He cares more about pleasing fans in the short term than the long-term viability of the Arizona Cardinals. We all knew this dad growing up. He started out being generous with the candy and ice cream, and evolved into hosting high school parties. The cool dad. But, ten years later, when everybody’s grown up, you look back and think, “Boy, that was kind of messed up.” Because as much fun as it was in the moment, you realize that a parent’s job is to force kids to eat their veggies, while they’re too young to realize what’s good for them. Steve Keim will surely please fans when he takes CeeDee Lamb or Jerry Jeudy in the 1st round, because after Rosen, Wilks, and the extreme DUI, he’s on the redemption trail. It’s about being liked in the short term, not what’s best for the team in the long term. Good parents and good GMs are ok with not being liked in the short term, forcing down the veggies, because they know their kids or fan base will thank them in the end. Kevin Colbert, Howie Roseman, Ozzie Newsome and Bill Belichick teach us the offensive and defensive lineman are the lean meat and veggies, and are very careful not to overindulge in the temptation of wide receivers. The Browns showed us what that kind of gluttony can create last season.

James Jones vs Daryl Morey: The Tortoise & The Hare – James Jones has branded himself as more cautious, conscious and calculated than silly Suns fans, while Daryl Morey has embraced a volatility that sometimes gets him laughed at in league circles. It’s a classic Tortoise and the Hare situation. Except in the NBA, the tortoise always loses. Morey’s willingness to completely flip his roster on a yearly basis, and continually compete for championships, puts a clown suit on the idea of “building it the right way.” After being sneered and snickered at by NBA nerds, the new, small-ball Rockets cackled their way out of TD Garden after beating the Celtics 111-110 in OT for their 6th win in a row. This thing is working. Russell Westbrook has space to be a version of himself we’ve never seen, Robert Covington is one of several wing players benefiting from that, and James Harden is James Harden.

There’s a real argument that Daryl Morey could be Executive of the Year in 2020, which would be the 2nd time in 3 seasons. He recognizes something far too many GMs fail to: That while you’re waiting for your team to come into form, LeBron James is on the phone with Anthony Davis, and Kawhi Leonard is on the phone with Paul George. Because of that, the onus now falls on GMs to wheel and deal at the same pace.

James Jones had a rare opportunity this season to trade for a star in D’Angelo Russell, and based on what Minnesota gave up, he might’ve only had to give away Kelly Oubre and draft picks. Instead, he sat on his hands, and told fans he was sticking to the process. Now, the Suns have lost two straight home games to the Pistons and Warriors, and have no real hope of climbing up the West next season.

My NFL Combine Crush – Tristan Wirfs is a maniac. The right tackle from Iowa set records for offensive lineman at the combine for vertical and broad jumps, after already setting weight lifting records at Iowa.

He’s completely athletic, a former wrestler (something NFL scouts LOVE in offensive lineman) and he comes from a school that pumps out NFL tackles. The Cardinals’ offensive line gave up as many sacks as anybody in the NFL last year, and feel like a Sandlot bunch. Nobody’s really a “blue chip” player. Wirfs could change that, and fit perfectly into a Kliff Kingsbury system that requires lineman to be able to move. Of course, taking Wirfs at #8 would require Steve Keim to give up his Disneyland dreams.

Best of the Internet – I love Bill Burr, but I think I hate local news channels trying to be zany even more.

This clip represents the death of traditional media in 57 seconds. Polished is out, authentic is in, and every suit-wearing, necktie-bearing former jock who used to get away with reading boring lines from a teleprompter every day is now being forced to adjust. I love it. There’s a reason Trump is president, and it ain’t his policies. It’s because he does stuff like this…

Comedians like Bill Burr are scrapping posh in favor of politically incorrect, and they’re cultivating huge audiences in the meantime.

Where to eat – As you know, I’m a restaurant connoisseur. It’s one of the douchiest things about me. But I’m willing to be a douche if it means saving my audience from bad restaurants. Here’s a couple tips for the next time you head up the mountain to Flagstaff. Pizzicletta and Delhi Palace. I shit you not, I just listed the best pizza, and the best Indian food in the state of Arizona.

Pizzicletta is run by boy-wonder Caleb Schiff, who delivers a dough like you’ve never had in your life before, and combines it with the best ingredients he can find. If you like going big, go with the SS-145, which has gorgonzola, kale, almonds and lemon juice. If you’re scared, go with the Margherita.

Delhi Palace is the most flavorful Indian food I’ve had in my life, and I’ve had it in Bermuda, New Hampshire, Houston and Phoenix. I’d always recommend the Chicken Tikka Masala to a newcomer, but if you’re OK with spending a little more, add the Shrimp Korma to your tab. This place will knock your cute little hiking socks off (which I encourage you to wear unless you want granola chucked at you up there).

That's all for this weekend, folks.

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